


everything I touch crashes and burns (I wasn't made for love)

by TheNameIsZ (curiouslygray)



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Discussions of Suicide, Drinking, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lena Luthor Doesn't Know Kara Danvers is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Not Canon Compliant, Self-Harm, Suicide, discussions of self-harm, no one dies I promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-06-09 04:16:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15259251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curiouslygray/pseuds/TheNameIsZ
Summary: Supergirl fluttered down, softly landing on the balcony of Lena Luthor’s apartment. The bleary-eyed, dark-haired woman didn’t turn to address her superpowered visitor, she just gently rocked back and forth, forearms resting on the railing. A glass of scotch that definitely wasn’t her first rested in her increasingly unsteady hands.They’ve had too many encounters like this. Supergirl is out on patrol when she hears the unsteady flutter of a familiar heartbeat. Lena is always on the edge of broken at these times, feeling like she’s all jagged rock and sharp glass - ready to hurt anyone who comes close enough to touch.





	everything I touch crashes and burns (I wasn't made for love)

**Author's Note:**

> I promise that no one dies. There are dark topics that are covered but nothing bad happens.  
> Most of this written in one night back in February. The very end of it was written last night. If there inconsistencies, then I apologize.
> 
> Also, if you are feeling suicidal, do reach out. There are people who care about you and love you.

Supergirl fluttered down, softly landing on the balcony of Lena Luthor’s apartment. The bleary-eyed, dark-haired woman didn’t turn to address her superpowered visitor, she just gently rocked back and forth, forearms resting on the railing. A glass of scotch that definitely wasn’t her first rested in her increasingly unsteady hands.

They’ve had too many encounters like this. Supergirl is out on patrol when she hears the unsteady flutter of a familiar heartbeat. Lena is always on the edge of broken at these times, feeling like she’s all jagged rock and sharp glass - ready to hurt anyone who comes close enough to touch. Supergirl knows Lena doesn’t like being touched under normal circumstances, and even less so when she’s drunk. There’s one person who is the exception. If Kara Danvers were here, she’d pull her friend into a hug, gently lead her inside to the couch, and try to talk to her. But Kara isn’t the persona that is present.  
  
So, instead, Supergirl mirrors Lena’s position just a few feet away. No words need to be spoken; if Lena wants to talk about it, she can. And if she chooses not to, Supergirl will reminder of her of other friends who can support her as well. And of the possibility of a therapist, because Jack Daniels doesn’t have a degree in psychology.  
  
Eventually, Lena sighs, drinking the last of her glass.

“Do you know what it’s like to feel so incredibly empty, so inescapably hollow, that it physically hurts?”  
  
Kara Zor-El briefly sees flashes of the cold, dark expanse of space, of the Phantom Zone, and is nodding before her mind’s eye is even clear.  
  
“I feel that way on nights like this.” Lena turns the empty glass over in her hands a few times, “Lionel was a better father than Lillian was a mother, but neither of them were fantastic by any means. Lex was a wonderful, if distant, brother before he went mad. Sam is kind, but the relationship should stay strictly professional. Even Kara…” her voice breaks as she says the name, “I can feel her pull away sometimes. And it hurts. It all hurts.”  
  
Lena still hasn’t even looked at Supergirl, instead eying the way the city lights reflect off the fine glass she’s holding shakily.

“I wasn’t made for love. I wasn’t made for doting family members. Or friends who care unconditionally. Or meaningful, healthy relationships with people who genuinely care about me. I was made to be alone, to always wake up in an empty, cold bed. To always prioritize my work above everything else. I am able to get anything I want, except for the one thing that money cannot buy: genuine human connection.”  
  
Supergirl felt her chest ache, “I know I’m not technically human, but I think we have a pretty genuine connection.”  
  
The corner of Lena’s lips twitched at the attempted joke, “Half the time I’m sure you just stop by to make sure I’m not trying to blow up the city in a suicide bombing or manufacturing some weapon that will bring you to your knees before me. Human? Certainly not. Genuine?” Lena just lets out a hollow chuckle, shaking her head.  
  
“I can’t speak for your family or Sam, but I know that you mean a lot to Kara Danvers.”  
  
A few moments of silence follows as a longing sadness settles on Lena’s face, “Sometimes, when things get to their worst, I think about self-harming, I think about suicide. I’ve considered them both, but I’ve come so far since my teenage years. I can’t let myself stumble back into that hole I use to dig myself into. And, sometimes, I think about Kara’s smile, her laugh, the adorable way she fiddles with her glasses. And it’s then that I don’t care if she’s pulling away occasionally. The thought of Kara Danvers in my life is enough to keep me from ending it all.”  
  
She itched to hold Lena’s hand. Supergirl has heard her long, drunken rambles about Kara Danvers before. Sometimes she’d be happy, other times she’d start crying, and there were even a few times where Lena got angry. Supergirl would do what she was needed for – a shoulder to cry on, a head to ramble to, or sometimes she’d pick Lena up once the anger burned through her energy and carry her to bed, cleaning up whatever mess had been made. Those angry nights… they never addressed what happened during those. Those were moments of raw, uncensored energy. It was these moments that proved to Supergirl even more that Lena was not like her mother or brother at all. She had anger within her, but it was often self-directed.

_“Why can’t I get the city to see that I’m trying my best to be good? Why can’t they see some things are out of my control? What am I doing wrong?”_

In moments like those, moments like these, when Lena isn’t wearing the mask of a CEO or hiding behind one of happiness, Kara remembers that she’s only twenty-four. Lena Luthor is twenty-four and fully running a worldwide tech company as its CEO, has had multiple attempts on her life, has had to watch her entire family leave her in some way, and has taken the task upon herself of convincing most of the world’s population that she is worthy of their trust and support. Meanwhile, most twenty-four-year-olds in National City are trying to get their first job. It’s no wonder she drinks so much and sleeps so little.

Kara’s voice comes out small and hushed when she speaks, “You’d have plenty of people who would miss you.”

Lena let out a bark of laughter, “Yeah, sure.”

More silence passed between before Supergirl spoke again.

“I watched a TEDTalk the other day-”

“Supergirl watches TEDTalks?” Lena mused.

Kara huffed, “Yes, I do. I enjoy them. Anyways, I was watching one that had been given by a man who was a police officer in the area of the Golden Gate Bridge. He’s responded to numerous possible suicidal people on the bridge. Many of them, he’s either been able to convince to come back over the railing, or they come back over of their own choice. In the talk, he said he only ever lost two people. One of them shook his hand three times during their hour-long conversation, and after the third said, “I’m sorry, but I’ve got to go,” and then was gone. The other, well, apparently the speaker was so shaken up about it when he had called the parents that the next day the family’s rabbi called to talk to him.”

“Suicide affects more people than you think. I’ve had a handful of cases myself, and I don’t know if that means I’m lucky or if that means there are people I’m missing. You think that Kara is pulling away, but I don’t think she is. If you killed yourself - if you died - she’d be devastated. Her friends, her sister, they’d be upset as well. Jess, she’d be there too. I’m sure you have many staff members who admire you. You’re a twenty-four-year-old female at the head of the tech industry who is also completely shedding the old traditions of the family company. What is more admirable than that?”

Lena shrugged limply, “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe a certain blonde haired Kryptonian flying around fighting crime and, as you just explained, keeping people like myself from committing suicide. That seems pretty admirable.”

Kara shrugged as silence settled over them again. Lena’s head slunk down, resting between her extended arms on the railing, breaking the silence after a few minutes.

“I’ll lay in bed and think about her sometimes – and no, not in any sexual way. I think about all the wealth I have and all the things I’ve collected. I have this large apartment, a large bed, state-of-the-art electronics, the best of everything. But I have no one to share it with. I want to share it with her, but I’m always just missing the mark. I’ll see her smile and I’ll feel my heart flutter and then I’ll remember that everything I touch crashes and burns.”

Voice turning bitter, Lena turns around to face her apartment before sliding down to sit on the floor. Supergirl settles in next to her as Lena continues speaking, “To say my family is dysfunctional would be putting it mildly. Jack is dead. L-Corp is the only good thing I have and I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop on that. We’ll occasionally have some bad press but nothing that is completely devastating.”

Lena shrugs, “But I guess everyone still seems convinced that I’m evil anyways, so does it really matter?”

She carried on before Kara could respond.

“No previous fling of mine has been substantial enough to warrant calling it a relationship. I - I know that this all probably sounds so trivial to you - you’ve lost your whole planet, you’ve lost all of your kind except for your cousin. You have this weight on you and I’m sitting here complaining about a girl who I can’t have, about a life that’s so privileged.”  
  
Kara gently places her hand over Lena’s. She doesn’t pull away, but she doesn’t turn to face Supergirl either.

“You can’t compare other people’s suffering. Yes, I lost my world, and there are times that I still struggle with that loss, but it has given me the ability to love and care about so many things. That loss has allowed me to come here, to Earth, and live and save lives, touching those lives and many others. With you – you’ve now been given the chance to make your family’s company a force of good, to fight against what your brother and mother stand for. It’s something to look up to.”

Kara’s voice was soft but steady. She’s recounted these points before, but her drive behind them never falters. Lena just shakes her head, letting a soft, broken laugh leave her lips.

“I work all day, and when I get home I do more work. My life isn’t exactly habitual for a relationship, or even casual dating. I’m always in someone’s crosshairs, whether it’s a hired hitman or the press. She’d be in danger and I don’t want to do that to her. If I can keep her safe by putting distance between us, then maybe that’s what I should do.”

Lena tilted her head back against the balcony railing, looking up at the stars. Her voice began to waver and crack, sounding less and less like a Fortune 500 company CEO and more like a scared, broken girl.  
  
“I just- I terribly miss the feeling of being in something even akin to a relationship,” Lena began to absentmindedly fiddle with Supergirl’s hand, the feeling of it warm to the touch, “Feeling safe with someone and knowing that there’s no doubt in their love and care for you. I’ve never had that feeling with any romantic flings I’ve had. I had the feeling with Lex for a bit, but,” There’s the broken chuckle again, “Ah, well, we know how that turned out. Jack cared for me. In another life, we probably would have been together, married, and had children. Gone on to dominate the tech industry, successfully creating BioMax. But that’s not this life… and he’s gone now.”

Lena’s voice goes a touch quieter, “And Kara - I feel safe with her. I feel like I can be myself. Don’t get me wrong, I feel safe with you too, but that’s more of a physical safety. With Kara, I feel wholly safe. I know that if I jumped off this balcony, you’d fly in and save me before I crushed every bone in my body hitting the pavement. You did when I was pushed off by the assassins. This is no different other than the cause of the fall. The real question is would I want you to catch me?”  
  
She sighs, continuing before Supergirl could formulate a response, “And I don’t think I can answer that if I’m completely honest. It would also put you in a tight spot because if you did catch me, well, you’d be forcing me to consider another way if I so desired. If you didn’t, you’d be blamed for allowing a Luthor to die. They’d say that you let me die, that you still held my name against me. And even though we’re not exactly friends - well – you’ve listened to my drunken ramblings more than even Jack did, so, that has to say something.”

Kara sighed, giving Lena’s hand a slight squeeze, “I’d do everything in my power to catch you. Even if you hated me and wanted me dead, I - ” She had to pause and collect herself, “I would still catch you. I know you may not consider us friends, but I do. And, as I’ve already said, your death would affect so many people, more than you know.”

She softly rubbed her thumb in small circles over the back of Lena’s hand, “I’m here for you if you want to talk. I know that Kara would be all ears as well, and I’m sure that Jess wouldn’t mind shifting around some of your work if you’re getting too much on your plate. Just also know that there are specialists available to help you as well, and you have a good support system. Not just from Kara and myself, but also through her friends and family and at L-Corp.”

Lena just nodded limply, her body slowly starting to slide down onto the floor. Kara sighed, knowing that this was the end of the conversation for now.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed.”

Lena didn’t react when Supergirl picked her up bridal style, this having happened many times before. Kara slid open the balcony door and made her way across the living room to the hallway. Her steps echoed slightly off the wood floor and mostly bare walls. By now, she didn’t have to ask which room was her bedroom, simply sliding into the room and placing a now half-asleep Lena on the bed.

With only minor difficulties, Kara got Lena under the covers, receiving a slurred and sleepy ‘thank you’ in response. Kara gave her a soft, sad smile, before removing the bottle of ibuprofen from the nightstand, placing it on top. A few minutes later, she placed a glass of water next to it.

Kara took the time to wash Lena’s whiskey glass and put the bottle of whiskey back in the liquor cabinet. After just a few moments of looking around, she found a post-it note and a pen. She scribbled her crest on it and wrote beneath it ‘I’m always here for you. I’ll catch you if you fall’ before placing it beside the glass of water.

After making sure Lena’s front door was locked and she was sound asleep, Supergirl made her way back to the balcony, shutting the door behind her. When she turned her comms back on, she was greeted with a familiar voice.

“Everything alright Supergirl? You were offline for a while there,” Alex asked from DEO headquarters.

She gave a quick glance over her shoulder into the dark apartment.

“Yeah, just helping a friend.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> The TED Talk mentioned is real. You can watch it here:  
> https://www.ted.com/talks/kevin_briggs_the_bridge_between_suicide_and_life#t-832848
> 
> Always remember, there is hope.


End file.
